1:55

Sometimes I start worrying that all my decisions are predetermined by a tendency toward self-sabotage that I don't always remember I have.  This is one of the days when it becomes evident that I need a better form of escapism than gin and Coen Brothers' films.

5:03

It's really uncomfortable running into high school ex-boyfriends I haven't spoken with since high school while walking my dog.  I say hello, not really wanting to talk but feeling compelled to acknowledge him since he is looking directly at me, then he takes out one of the earphones I didn't realize he had in, and I have to repeat myself, sparking a stomach-turningly forced conversation about the high school neither of us liked or the jobs neither of us have.  This happens a lot more frequently than one would imagine.  On the plus side, after watching all of the Halloween horror movie marathons on television, my imagination has loads of gruesome scenarios in which they could meet an untimely demise at the ready for these occasions.

7:33

Sometimes I wish I had spent more time becoming arts and craftsy.  Wait, is it "artsy and craftsy"?  "Arts-and-craftsy"?  "Artsy-and-craftsy"?  I give up.  I don't know any good people who just happen to be scrapbookers, anyway.

4:57

Nothing seems quite as bad after a night of butchering and dismantling pomegranates with your bare hands alongside your younger sister.  Not only are your fingers and palms stained blood red, but all your tea tastes sweeter and you feel a bit savage.

12:54

My maternal grandmother is a source of infinite practical wisdom.  One little nugget of truth I've been thinking of often lately is, "What happened to Joan Rivers?  She looks like an abortion."  Thanks, Grandma.

8:28

I have a confession to make: I never wear underwear to important events in my life.  Not job interviews, not my high school or college graduation ceremonies, and certainly not my own birthdays.  It isn't for any perverted reason; there are just lots of socially uncomfortable moments in life for which attendance is mandatory when I'd prefer to be without my skivvies.

5:19

Today, I made my first ever (licensed) solo drive.  I caught myself singing the Space Jam theme song about ten minutes in, so it was as much a success as a failure, I guess.

10:57

I don't know how to feel.  It is about eleven in the morning.  I've been awake (for no good reason, mind you) since four.  I am alone in my boyfriend's living room watching Who Wants to be a Millionaire for the first time since I was approximately twelve years old.  Without hesitation, I knew that Meg Ryan was the celebrity not named in the Barenaked Ladies' song "One Week".  Should I be proud of my superior trivia abilities or ashamed that I didn't even have to sing the lyrics?

10:25

There is something inherently egotistical about making plans for one's body after one dies.  Even being cremated, which seems at first like the least imposing to those one leaves behind, still implies that the deceased expects a spot on somebody's mantle.

3:11

Guilty Pleasure #12: Bothering my cats while they try to sleep.  I'm allergic to them, so it's probably somewhat passive-aggressive.  Also, I like sticking my finger in their mouths while they yawn.

7:14

One of these days, my palette will change due to age, and I'll somehow have to find new tastes to replace chicken satay, dill pickles and Nutella as staples of my diet.  Will I start eating artichoke?  Shrimp?  I hate shrimp, but what if it becomes the only thing I can tolerate?  This is something I worry about frequently.

4:07

Every year, anxiety precedes Halloween.  Don't get me wrong; Halloween is far and away my favorite holiday, but, most years, I spend the better part of October trying to narrow my list of possible costumes down to three or four, then trying to assemble them all from mismatched items I find at used clothing stores before the thirty-first sneaks up on me.  This year, I am even more stressed because, since I've finished college and thus am expected to function as an adult in polite society, I'll only get one night of dressing up, one jack-o-lantern, one helping of erroniously-labelled "fun-sized" candy bars, one costume!  The horror!

12:59

It seems like everyone I know is having babies or getting married.  It makes me feel somehow both old and immature.

2:03

It's really a shame that prostitution is illegal because while I have no desire to sell my own body, I think I could run an excellent chain of very specified, literary-themed brothels.  The Filthy Lilliputian, for example, would cater to those who prefer their midgets in eighteenth-century garb and covered in egg yolk.

12:29

When I was four years old, I was rejected from the public kindergarten in my town because they said I was too young to attend, but my preschool wouldn't take me for a second year because I could read at a fifth-grade level and I refused to nap, so my parents scrambled to find alternatives, and, (un)fortunately, a private Catholic kindergarten accepted me.  While sorting through the spider-infested boxes of files my father keeps in our basement this morning, I found the application to Saint Mary's Parochial School that my parents filled out in 1993.  Under the category of Favorite Toys, my mother wrote "tape recorder".  Under Socialization Methods, "voluntarily alone most of the time".  Under Effective Methods of Discipline, "forced socialization with her peers".

10:13

The list of things I soon have to do is getting a little intimidating for my liking.  If there was a way to turn into a plant, I would.

2:24

Guilty Pleasure #11: Emoticons.  While I recognize them as an evil subversion of the punctuation I so adore, I simply cannot help myself from bookending certain text messages with strings of hearts.  It probably has something to do with the pressure I feel to idealize once being twelve in the '90s.

5:13

I present a list of things which annoy me:

• the mail being late
• losing my page in a book or magazine
• the term "pet peeve"
• people who sniffle all day and never blow their noses
• the sound of silverware scraping ceramic dishes
• forgetting to take one of those silly stickers that say "M-M-M-M-M" for "medium" off of my shirt before wearing it for the first time
• over-steeped tea
• people who describe themselves as misunderstood
• when my glasses fog up when I come in from the rain or open an oven
• people who cry in an attempt to get out of trouble
• having to repeat myself
• when my eyes get itchy because of my allergy to cat fur/the fact that, despite my lifelong allergy, my mother has four cats
• holes in my tights
• people who assume I play basketball because I'm 5-foot-9

1:28

I wish more than (almost) anything that I could breathe underwater.  I wish for it more than I wish for any other impractical thing, anyhow.  Definitely more than I wish for the ability to read peoples' minds.  I wouldn't like to have that ability at all.

3:14

Guilty Pleasure #10: Seeking out those who incessantly send me Facebook invitations to events I have no interest in attending and deleting them from my Friends.  It isn't that I hate these people (well, I'm sure I hate some of them); it's just a great relief to think I won't have to delete fifty event notices per week informing me of upcoming potpourri-making classes and vegan hula fundraisers.

1:08

I have good news: I've been keeping up with my silly goal of baking at least once a week.  So far this week, I've made a pot roast and apple crisp.  I also bought myself an office-appropriate handbag, which, when I hold it, makes me inexplicabley feel like riding a horse sidesaddle.  Now if only I could find a woman looking to rid herself of a pair of cream-colored leather gloves, I'd look like the old lady I am on the inside.

1:54

Tonight, the episode of Cheaters wherein the host gets stabbed on a boat was on as soon as I turned on the TV.  As trashy TV is my favorite kind, I felt overjoyed.  It was my birthday, and even the television gave me a present!

1:13

Last week, I went to five interviews in as many days.  Dressed as a Limited mannequin, I marched into those offices and baldfacedly lied about a burning desire to contribute to corporate culture which I have never felt.  I still haven't fully recuperated as it takes real energy to smile that hard for that long.  In other news, I've already got two cakes, and my birthday isn't even till tomorrow!

10:14

Does anyone else find the phrase "too much of a good thing" troublesome because of all the relativity?  It just seems dangerous to live by such an unstandardized rule of thumb.